It struck me today that over the past year I have become a mom. I'm not just referring to the fact that I've physically given birth to a child. But rather the emotional change that has occurred within me over the course of the past year.
Before I met Neil I had always held the position that I was not going to have children. I am the youngest of my parents' four children so I never had the experience of "mentoring" a younger child. And paying witness to the tremendous heartache and pain my parents experienced as a direct result of some of the life decisions their children made was enough for me to decide that I was not suited for motherhood. I've never been "the girl" that that was comfortable around children and knew exactly what to say. I have a sister-in-law like this and I'm in awe of her whenever I see her interactions with her nieces and nephews. No, I was the girl that was a nervous wreck around children. When I was a teenager I babysat several summers, and it went well. But the families I babysat for had multiple children and they basically entertained each other without much of my involvement. In my mind, I was there to make sure no one got hurt or into trouble. But I wouldn't say I enjoyed babysitting. It was a good summer job and it paid well. But my interactions with children definitely didn't bring me joy. And I was entirely confident that I lacked the "mother" gene.
But then I met Neil...we got married...and I began feeling a desire deep within my soul to be a mother. My only explanation for this desire was that it was from the Lord. Because this desire was absolutely terrifying to me. I had sold myself on the "fact" that I did not possess the ability to be a mother. After several years of trying to conceive, our lack of success was confirmation in my mind that I was not meant to be a mother. I questioned why the desire would have been placed in my heart if I was not able to conceive...and Neil and I actually had a number of conversations about adopting a child. But despite our numerous conversations about adoption I never really investigated it as a serious option (because of fear).
When Neil and I moved back to my hometown we had been trying unsuccessfully to conceive a child for over four years. Then it happened...I found out I was pregnant on March 17, 2009. To say I was surprised would be a gross understatement. I had convinced myself that I was not meant to bear a child. When we got the news I experienced a whole slew of emotions...disbelief, excitement, terror, joy...
When Reed was born and we brought him home from the hospital I had the same concerns as other moms but all those irrational fears about not having the "mom" gene seemed to fade away. God equipped me with the ability to mother my child. Being a mom is much different than I'd ever anticipated it being. Sure, I have fears but I also rest completely confident in the fact that God is in control of every aspect of my life. I'm incredibly thankful to God for giving me the opportunity to become a mother...the last year's journey has been amazing. And while I know that I've made countless mistakes and will make far more as the hours, days and years pass, I know that I'm a mom and I most definitely have the "mother" gene.
