Fear & Friendship

It's that time of year again. Time to take stock of life...something I do more than once a year, but always do in January. I have so many things to be thankful for - I'm loved by an incredible God and am free to worship Him, have an wonderful husband, an amazing son, a loving family, my health and the health of my loved ones, financial stability - just to name a few. I know that I'm blessed and have no right to complain which makes it difficult to actually put into words what's been bothering me the last several months. It's not so much a complaint as it is confusion about an unfulfilled desire of my heart. I deeply desire relationship in the form of a true friend (separate from my amazing husband).

When I was a little girl I remember making friends easily. But when I was in fifth grade an event took place that obliterated my trust in others. I withdrew and became suspicious of anyone that gave me attention...and basically from that point forward fear prevented me from letting anyone know me. It's amazing how things that happen in your childhood can alter your entire life experience. Children are so impressionable...so vulnerable. Basically, I have not had a true best friend since I was a little girl - a friend that truly loved me (blemishes and all). 

I realize that this is my own fault. I let fear control me and built walls...tall, thick, reinforced walls. And I carry a lot of guilt associated with my self-imposed isolated life. But I am at a point in my life when I desire to know people and for them to know me. I desire relationships where honesty/accountability is expected and appreciated. I desire relationships that challenge me to become a better person. The main stumbling block in fulfilling these desires is the fact that I literally have no idea how to make true friends. My does that sound silly. I know how to make acquaintances...but friends are different. I desire someone that I can call (outside of my family) when I'm struggling. A friend that won't judge me. A friend that will always answer the phone when I call. A friend that will want to hear what I have to say. A friend that will give me the benefit of a doubt but call me out when I need to be called out. Basically, a friend that will love me for me...the good and the bad. 

Over the past several months I've been trying to get to know people. I've put myself out there and taken risks that I would have never taken in the past. I joined a mom's group through church, I'm talking to familiar faces at the gym, I actually approach familiar faces to say hello when I'm out and about (something that always terrifies me...intellectually I know this fear is ridiculous), I've invited people to do things. So I have made progress in the past months but have also been hurt, which has been incredibly difficult for me because of my past. I've found myself stuck...lost when it comes to determining when a relationship goes from acquaintance to friend. I guess I feel like it should just happen on it's own...but it hasn't. I honestly just don't know how the process works. I'm so embarrassed to even write this...

I know that God knows the desires of my heart. I know that He wants to fulfill those desires and that I need to follow Him in order for that to happen. So I guess my prayer is that I'd trust Him wherever he leads me, that I'd be more courageous...that I'd take more risks...be more vulnerable...put myself out there...and rest in the fact that He will protect me so I should not be afraid.